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A Senior Citizen’s Guide to Internet Pornography

By 

Anthony Rosato

Studies show that by now most senior citizens have not only discovered the Internet, but utilize it on a near-daily basis. They pay bills online, exchange pictures of grandchildren, even save money on prescriptions. These same studies reveal however, that there is one area of the Internet where the over-65 crowd still lags far behind the rest of the population: Pornography. As a service to our older readers, we proudly offer the following primer to the wonderful world of smut on the web.

Where to Begin

Your favorite search engine is the best place to start your journey into the sexually explicit. Many seniors use Yahoo! and Google for looking up old friends or getting the show times of movies to nap through. But did you know that search engines are also a great way to find out about young horny sluts who like having their feet massaged?

And nothing could be simpler! Just go to your favorite search engine and type in your sexual proclivity. A word of advice here: Seniors are from a generation marked by dignity, class and manners. A time when people took responsibility for their actions and endured hardships without complaint. When it comes to searching for Internet porn however, candor and specifics are essential. If you want naked cheerleaders who groan out the names of the state capitols before reaching orgasm, by God sir, they are there. But you need to take the first step.

Once you visit a few websites, you’ll see that the majority of Internet pornography falls into one of the following subsets:

Individual/Amateur

Here you can find fascinating women who possess not only beauty, but the apparent technological know-how to set up and update their own websites. In addition to a slew of pictures and videos, these grand dames of cyberspace will also share with you such pertinent biographical data as their favorite hobbies, food preferences and where they stand in the ongoing debate of vibrator vs. dildo. WARNING: these ladies are extremely winning, and it is not uncommon to fall in love. Be careful, especially you widowers. No one can replace your beloved of 40 years, but it’s hard for your heart not to fill when you see sexysluttystephanie smiling at you while bent over and grabbing her ankles. Remember, these women are complex creatures and very canny. There are reports that some even use aliases! Fear not though, Casanova. While the beautiful visage of perkytits may never be staring at you from across your kitchen table while you gum your Honey Bunches of Oats, take heart, for you know that you’ll always have the 40 pictures of her naughty day at the park. So sit back, leer to your heart’s content and hum, “They Can’t Take That Away From Me.”

Group Sites

Exhibitionists, Asian, thong, horny college students, bored housewives, small tits with big butts. These ladies are pre-sorted for your enjoyment and convenience. It’s best to spend some time on these sites before getting your credit card out. The terminology used is often complex, and may not mean what you think it does. For example, a post-op is not someone who just had an angioplasty.

Fetish

I know what you’re thinking, but don’t be so quick to judge. If your golden years are anything, they are a time to discover new things. I bet you didn’t like coffee the first time you tried it. You may have your preconceived notion of what “making love” is, but once you see five nubile women bound in thick metal chains making love to a dungeon master, you’ll get a whole new idea of the phrase “social security.” Bondage, feet, shaved, pantyhose, pregnant, mature—these are heady times to be alive, my friend.

Gay

What really happened during your stint in the Navy? Again, think of yourself as an explorer. These strange new lands may be unfamiliar, dark and hard to get into at first, but persistence is the key.  If watching JFK’s speeches on TV gave you a lump in more than just your throat, you may be right at home here.

What to Do If You Get Caught

While this seems like a bad thing, many seniors report getting their hand caught in the proverbial cookie jar can be a wonderful experience. It’s important at your age to keep your mind sharp, and talking your way out of these situations can be more of a brain twister than the daily jumble. Sure, the first time is easy. You feign senility and say, “Agnes dear, I don’t know what’s going on. I was trying to find information about Monte Cristo, so I typed in myfavoritecount.com. Oh, I see, I missed a letter.” But what do you do the fourteenth time you’re caught on naughtyhispanicnurses.com with your Sans-a-Belts around your sock garters?

Again, these are just guidelines. Every true purveyor of porn must find his own way through the forest. And yes, the journey is the reward. Remember those dark times when the only pornography you had was that old deck of cards hidden in the bottom of your shaving kit? Well, it’s a new world out there, and at the end of every golden shower is a beautiful rainbow. Now log on and show them what we mean when we say the “greatest generation.”

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Issue 21

published 

September 22, 2017

Anthony Rosato is a writer living in suburban Philadelphia with his wife and two daughters. His short stories and essays have been published in a variety of national, local, literary and consumer magazines as well as websites. He is currently at work on a series of short stories as well as his first novel which, at the current rate of progress, will be in finished in 2086.

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Issue 21

This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the Lit.cat archives.
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