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Advice From Mom, For Mom

By 

Jamie Kahn

W

e were in the car on the way home from the grocery store. Our shopping trip was seemingly normal enough, conversation consisting of our choice of juice and granola bars for the week.

When we got into the car, my mom blurted out "Jamie, I just want to let you know that having a threesome is never a good idea."

I'd never even kissed anybody. I'd thought about kissing, and I'd thought about touching, but I didn't even really get to thinking about the actual act of sex as an element of my own life at all. And I feel like one doesn't start to think about the possibility of a threesome until they've thought about a regular old twosome first. Needless to say, I was taken aback. But despite my awkward face practically begging her to stop, she continued with her lecture.

She told me about how it changes the dynamics of a relationship, especially when you're doing it with a primary partner and another person. That it can cause jealousy and resentment. That it's not as easy as some people think it is to even do the damn thing. She basically drilled into my head that threesomes were the devil, and that it was best to avoid them at all costs.

I knew then, even at the naïve age of fourteen, that none of this was about me, it was about something gone awry in my mother's sex life. Whether it was something that happened the night before, or some bad memory from college that was hitting her at that moment for reasons I'll never know, I understood that she needed to talk. And as her daughter, it's my job to listen, even if she thinks it's me who needs this lecture more than she does.

It's something that all parents do in one way or another. Some dads will force their sons to play football because they were so good at it in high school. Some mothers will tell their daughters that they need to watch their weight because they don't like what they see in their own mirror. I, however, ended up with a mom who needs to work through things sometimes even though she doesn't always see it. Dwellings about her own fortunes and misfortunes often pop up disguised motherly advice. Advice I don't need and would never ask for. Advice that sometimes is about threesomes.

Parents need somebody too, though. And I'm lucky enough that my mom trusts me to be that somebody, even if it's subconsciously. 

Quiz question:

Is it a good idea to have a threesome?

No, I'll be thinking of your mom now.

No, I'll be thinking of your mom now.

Yes, who cares what your mom says?

Yes, who cares what your mom says?

No, listen to your mom.

No, listen to your mom.

If you feel like it.

If you feel like it.

Congratulations!
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Issue 19

published 

July 3, 2017

Jamie Kahn is a writer and undergraduate student. Her poetry has been featured on PDXX Collective, Maudlin House, Eunoia Review and in The Claremont Review, The Unrorean, Yellow Chair Review, and Donut Factory Press. She has also written for Thought Catalog and Germ Magazine and is a staff writer for Decaf Magazine. She has a short story forthcoming in Lady! magazine.

i dont feel like fininishing this website right now and i am sorry

It's one thing if you

have money to burn and you're

doing it for fun.

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Issue 19

This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the Lit.cat archives.
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