Click on page to destroy writing

Lakshmi on Defense

By 

Logan Lazalde

I

know it's lazy and not at all chivalrous, but sometimes I wish you had more arms so that I wouldn't have to help you haul groceries from the car. I think four would be a good number of arms to have. That is probably as far you could go before the scales tip in favor of cumbersome rather than beneficial. You could have two where they are now, connected to your shoulders, and you could have two more below those, protruding from the sides of your chest. With a body like that you would be a self-sufficient grocery hauling machine. You would also be a massive asset on defense when we play league basketball. Think about it: there is nobody on the rec center circuit who would be mentally or physically prepared for a four-armed defender. I mean, could you really envision anybody from a talent pool that shallow ever getting the best of you in a one-on-one situation? Our league is filled with middling, selfish grandstanders—there is not a chance any one of them is up to the task. You and your four arms would take us all the way to the top of the standings. Undefeated league champions, anchored by the magnificent aberration and the one who loves her.

Quiz question:

Why do I sometimes wish you had more arms?

Because I want you to resemble Goro, my favorite Mortal Kombat character.

Because I want you to resemble Goro, my favorite Mortal Kombat character.

Because I’m lazy and don’t want to help you haul groceries from the car.

Because I’m lazy and don’t want to help you haul groceries from the car.

Because I bought a weird shirt with four arm holes and don’t want it to go to waste.

Because I bought a weird shirt with four arm holes and don’t want it to go to waste.

Because I want you to be able to hug me really, really hard.

Because I want you to be able to hug me really, really hard.

Congratulations!
correct answers enable commenting.

 continue with 

Issue 9

published 

February 22, 2017

Lakshmi on Defense was written by Logan Lazalde, who is a graduate of The Evergreen State College and lives in Pittsburgh, PA. His website can be found at loganlazalde.info

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form

 continue with 

Issue 9

This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the Lit.cat archives.
The copy link button above may be your last chance to bookmark it.