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Scrabble

By 

Mitch Murphy

"My laptop? Why?”

Because you will need it.

“Why will I need it?”

You know I cannot answer that question.

“Don’t be a bitch and answer the question.”

Pack your laptop, Swiss Army Knife and leave this house within the next 5 minutes.

“I don’t even own a Swiss Army Knife.”

Yes, you do.

“I don’t.”

It’s in the top drawer next to Scrabble.

“Oh, yeah. So it is. Shall we bring Scrabble, too?”

Why would we bring Scrabble?

“I don’t know, you’re the mage. Why shouldn’t we?”

You’re really bordering on what I can and cannot say, here.

“Is it because I’ll blow your tits off again if we play?”

When did you beat me at Scrabble?

“I am positive I have beaten you at Scrabble.”

Think about this for a moment. How could you possibly beat me?

“I’m just that good.”

You’re not making any sense, Bill. We have never played Scrabble.

“Why would I have the game if I haven’t beaten you?”

Are you fucking serious? That doesn’t make any sense either.

“I’m bringing Scrabble.”

YOU'RE NOT BRINGING SCRABBLE

“YOU CAN’T STOP ME FROM BRINGING SCRABBLE.”

WE HAVE 60 SECONDS TO LEAVE THIS FUCKING HOUSE AND YOU’RE MAKING THIS ABOUT A SCRABBLE MATCH THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

[Opening the Scrabble box] 

“I knew it! Here’s the scorecard. Oh, wait, I played Uncle Carl.”

I told you.

“I destroyed him, though”

What are you talking about? It was me that destroyed him. You just kept saying we should add the letter 'S' to every word he played.

"The 'S' strategy is Scrabble 101. It's a guaranteed win every time. Everyone knows that."

Nobody knows that, Bill. Nobody knows that because it isn't true.

The sound of the front door opening could be heard from the room Bill was standing in. “Bill, honey? I have to go to my sisters to colour her hair. It’s an emergency. Would you be ok to take my Mother shopping this afternoon?”

Why didn’t you listen to me, Bill? Why didn’t you listen to me when I told you to flee?

Quiz question:

What was the name of the person on the scorecard of the Scrabble game you won?

Aunt Mary

Aunt Mary

Uncle Ben

Uncle Ben

Uncle Carl

Uncle Carl

Aunt Jane

Aunt Jane

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Issue 1

published 

February 22, 2017

Scrabble was written by Mitch Murphy. Mitch writes stupid stories because he's not talented enough to write anything serious. He mainly writes them when he's supposed to be doing work at his job. That is his story. All of his silly stories can be found at www.reddit.com/r/BillMurrayMovies, but he recommends that you only go there if you have absolutely nothing better to do with your life. You can also follow him on twitter @iammitchmurphybut I wouldn't, if I were you.

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Issue 1

This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the Lit.cat archives.
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