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Studies Find

By 

Tallon Kennedy

Study finds many college students engage in sexual hook-ups but have never held someone's hand.

Study finds above statement to be quite possibly the only pith of truth in this text, recommends reading no further.

Study finds pleasure more pleasurable than intimacy.

Study finds possessing people easier than committing to their well-being.

Study finds instant gratification.

Study finds our humanity left stranded beneath the covers back at home next to the pile of used tissues rotting away on the nightstand.

Study finds pain more pleasurable than finding meaning in this life.

Study finds meaning in this life located somewhere between the broken queer bodies outside of Stonewall and the objectified bodies of Grindr.

Study finds last study debunked by renewed hope in humanity, redacts findings, finds bodies don’t have souls, but minds probably do, suggests meaning of life now located somewhere between the hippocampus and the frontal lobe, probably closer to the amygdala, based on the fear humans have of other humans, recommends communicating with dogs instead.

Study finds ten new things to try in bed that he will love.

Study finds Cosmopolitan and related publications heteronormative, queers wonder why a study was needed to conclude this.

Study finds itself after trying psychoactive drugs for the first time.

Study finds science still up for debate.

Study finds facts still up for debate.

Study finds orgy in your neighbor’s apartment, recommends joining for the pleasure and instant gratification.

Study finds sexuality a social construct, straight people respond with outrage.

Study finds your ex-girlfriend happier with someone who doesn’t control her, recommends unlearning heteropatriarchal biases, straight people respond with confusion.

Study finds queers more susceptible to depression, queers respond with a shrug.

Study finds identity too divisive, recommends ignoring the interlocking systems of oppression.

Study finds love and intimacy a thing of the past, encourages people to embrace the self-inflicted insanity of solitude.

Study finds the mind will eventually attack itself if it never communicates with another mind, this is similar to the Ouroboros snake that eats itself, but this doesn’t make sense in the narrative of evolution and natural selection, so, study recommends pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.

Study finds gay marriage good for economy, queers respond by groaning in unison, straight people mistake this for a choir performance, and give a standing ovation.

Study finds queers have harder time finding a long-term relationship.

Study finds marriage as essential to living a normal life as having a child is, queers laugh in unison, straight people mistake this as a theatre performance, quietly whisper to each other about how they’re fine with the gays as long as they’re on a stage, but wishes they wouldn’t hold hands in public.

Study finds gays holding hands in public more offensive than a man carrying around an AK-47.

Study finds two straight girls making out at a party to be erotic, but two lesbians or two men making out to be offensive.

Study finds everything offensive and everyone a special snowflake, conservatives respond by confirming their biased view of all liberals as special snowflakes, unaware of the irony.

Study finds most queers alright with “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” now that Trump is in office, wishes they could still use it to get out of any wars he starts.

Study finds humanity weary of being inundated by information, recommends alternative-facts as an antidote to reality.

Study finds “nothing matters” becoming a popular mantra adopted by more than just “enlightened” straight white males.

Study finds last study too offensive towards straight white men, redacts findings, recommends more fucking and less feelings.

Study finds heteronormative scripts being adopted by white gay-but-masculine men, ‘true’ queers respond by narrowing their ‘in-group.’

Study finds attractiveness quantifiable after all, recommends rating people from 1-10, while assuming yourself to be an 8 or higher.

Study finds your sexist friends are correct, women who dress scantily are indeed whores, and women who dress conservatively are indeed too cold and frigid, recommends celibacy or killing yourself, whichever is more instantly gratifying.

Study finds sex education too scary for children, recommends fucking now, learning later, and intimacy never.

Study finds misanthrope and condescension more pleasurable than empathy, and at this point, we’ve dug too deep for empathy anyway.

Study finds [insert non-peer-reviewed research and misleading summary of findings here], recommends that the poet get off their high-horse and leave their frustration towards society at home.

Quiz question:

According to the poem, what are studies finding?

Themselves

Themselves

Renewed hope in humanity

Renewed hope in humanity

Instant gratification

Instant gratification

All of the above, while recommending the unlearning of heteropatriarchal biases

All of the above, while recommending the unlearning of heteropatriarchal biases

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Issue 16

published 

September 22, 2017

Tallon Kennedy is an undergraduate student of Poetry, Literature, and Gender Studies at the University of Pittsburgh. Their poems have previously been published by Rust + Moth.

i dont feel like fininishing this website right now and i am sorry

Oh my fucking god.

You literally **cannot** make

this kind of thing up.

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Issue 16

This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the Lit.cat archives.
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