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When I was six years old I sat at a yellow table With my classmates. Over the months I grew attached to the table And when it was time to rotate To another seat I cried into my mom's leg With a face full of snot. My teacher had no choice But to let me stay at the yellow table. For the rest of kindergarden I watched my classmates move on While I stayed comfortably At the yellow table. My first crush was a girl named Becky In my science class In seventh grade. Her ears were enormous And I thought That since she was weird too We could be together. I snuck her into An R rated movie-- Or so I thought. It turned out to be An animated movie About a rabbit Who was self-conscious About his ears. She thought I was being passive-aggressive About her ears So she ran out of the theatre In tears And never answered My instant messages Online. In freshman year Of high school I had my first drink. It tasted like stale bread Blended in water But I drank it anyway And watched As classmates made friends With one-another And I played Gaia online With my Canadian girlfriend Who was actually my boyfriend But I didn't know that. Also he was gay Which is fine Cause I am too But we broke up Because I'm a girl And he's a guy And I'm gay And he's gay too. I visited my Canadian girlfriend Who was actually my boyfriend Who I broke up with Because he was gay And I'm gay. We sat in a hotel room In silence Watching infomercials For products We would never buy. I left the next day Without saying a word But at the very least I had visited Toronto So that was pretty cool. I tried out For the volleyball team In junior year Of high school. I got smacked in the face With the ball And lost a tooth. My classmates gasped And some laughed So I laughed too-- Hysterically so With blood dripping from my mouth Until the gym got quiet And the school nurse Took me away. My first real girlfriend Was named July But she was born in August So I felt like her parents Were sabotaging her From the start. They told her She could never be anything But I told her She could be whatever She wanted to be And that her parents Could rot in hell. We walked to the mall On the train tracks And she told me To stand there with her Until a train arrived And it was her and I Until the end. I told her I needed To catch another train And got the hell out of there. I got into college And spent the next four years Drinking alone While pretending I loved anyone. After graduation I got a job Working in sales. I fell in love again This time With my manager Who loved me back. We made love Until her husband arrived And shot himself In the head. Let's just say I found another job In another town In another country. I moved to Canada And tried to catch up With my Gaia online girlfriend Who was really my ex-boyfriend But it turns out He had killed himself Last year. Oops. Now a Canadian My apparent heart defects Could be treated Practically for free But I wasn't sure I wanted them to be. I worked in PR For a company That fell through the cracks And dragged me down with it. I was broke And unemployed So I spent my time Making sock puppet movies That only got 10 views On YouTube. At forty years old I became homeless And roamed the streets Of Toronto Doing puppet shows For quarters. I became a viral sensation After being filmed By a liberal arts major The video was called
“Homeless Woman's Puppet Marxist Critique”. I was on Ellen And got a free house That I couldn't afford The taxes on. When I was sixty years old I had a fatal heart attack In my empty home After watching an exciting episode Of The Price Is Right. It was at that moment That I realized Nothing in life Had intrinsic value And that I would die alone. Thank god.
September 22, 2017
This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the Lit.cat archives. The copy link button above may be your last chance to bookmark it. The Committee For Ethical Retribution