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Matt Lee

When I was six years old

I sat at a yellow table

With my classmates.

Over the months

I grew attached to the table

And when it was time to rotate

To another seat

I cried into my mom's leg

With a face full of snot.

My teacher had no choice

But to let me stay at the yellow table.

For the rest of kindergarden

I watched my classmates move on

While I stayed comfortably

At the yellow table.


My first crush was a girl named Becky

In my science class

In seventh grade.

Her ears were enormous

And I thought

That since she was weird too

We could be together.

I snuck her into

An R rated movie--

Or so I thought.

It turned out to be

An animated movie

About a rabbit

Who was self-conscious

About his ears.

She thought I was being passive-aggressive

About her ears

So she ran out of the theatre

In tears

And never answered

My instant messages



In freshman year

Of high school

I had my first drink.

It tasted like stale bread

Blended in water

But I drank it anyway

And watched

As classmates made friends

With one-another

And I played Gaia online

With my Canadian girlfriend

Who was actually my boyfriend

But I didn't know that.

Also he was gay

Which is fine

Cause I am too

But we broke up

Because I'm a girl

And he's a guy

And I'm gay

And he's gay too.


I visited my Canadian girlfriend

Who was actually my boyfriend

Who I broke up with

Because he was gay

And I'm gay.

We sat in a hotel room

In silence

Watching infomercials

For products

We would never buy.

I left the next day

Without saying a word

But at the very least

I had visited Toronto

So that was pretty cool.


I tried out

For the volleyball team

In junior year

Of high school.

I got smacked in the face

With the ball

And lost a tooth.

My classmates gasped

And some laughed

So I laughed too--

Hysterically so

With blood dripping from my mouth

Until the gym got quiet

And the school nurse

Took me away.

My first real girlfriend

Was named July

But she was born in August

So I felt like her parents

Were sabotaging her

From the start.

They told her

She could never be anything

But I told her

She could be whatever

She wanted to be

And that her parents

Could rot in hell.

We walked to the mall

On the train tracks

And she told me

To stand there with her

Until a train arrived

And it was her and I

Until the end.

I told her I needed

To catch another train

And got the hell out of there.


I got into college

And spent the next four years

Drinking alone

While pretending

I loved anyone.


After graduation

I got a job

Working in sales.

I fell in love again

This time

With my manager

Who loved me back.

We made love

Until her husband arrived

And shot himself

In the head.

Let's just say

I found another job

In another town

In another country.

I moved to Canada

And tried to catch up

With my Gaia online girlfriend

Who was really my ex-boyfriend

But it turns out

He had killed himself

Last year.



Now a Canadian

My apparent heart defects

Could be treated

Practically for free

But I wasn't sure

I wanted them to be.


I worked in PR

For a company

That fell through the cracks

And dragged me down with it.


I was broke

And unemployed

So I spent my time

Making sock puppet movies

That only got 10 views

On YouTube.


At forty years old

I became homeless

And roamed the streets

Of Toronto

Doing puppet shows

For quarters.


I became a viral sensation

After being filmed

By a liberal arts major

The video was called “Homeless Woman's Puppet Marxist Critique”.

I was on Ellen

And got a free house

That I couldn't afford

The taxes on.


When I was sixty years old

I had a fatal heart attack

In my empty home

After watching an exciting episode

Of The Price Is Right.

It was at that moment

That I realized

Nothing in life

Had intrinsic value

And that I would die alone.

Thank god.

Quiz question:

How does the speaker eventually die?

From watching a horrible episode of The Price is Right

From watching a horrible episode of The Price is Right

From a fatal heart attack

From a fatal heart attack

In her sleep

In her sleep

From freezing to death while homeless

From freezing to death while homeless

correct answers enable commenting.

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Issue 14


September 22, 2017

Matt Lee was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning he breaks his legs and every afternoon he breaks his arms. At night, he lies awake looking at memes and writing until the heart attacks put him to sleep.

Matt is a broadcasting major at Millersville University. His interests include writing short stories, poetry, screenplays, and respecting the Oxford comma.

i dont feel like fininishing this website right now and i am sorry

I cant imagine.

Men's penises. Some of them

do have their own phones.

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Issue 14

This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the archives.
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