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Terrorists Like to Wear Hats

By 

Trevor J. Houser

HATS
Terrorists like to wear hats. Most prefer turbans or fezzes, but some will on occasion wear fedoras, or even motorcycle helmets (preferably with visor). Terrorists do not wear tri-corner hats unless they are terrorists from olden times, which often means they are the walking undead, or have manipulated time travel in some way. Do not approach these kinds of terrorists under any circumstances. Thankfully most terrorists do not manipulate time travel. More often than not you will find they utilize public transportation, or, if they live in the suburbs, travel by carpool.
COMMUNICATION
It is true that most terrorists communicate by bugle. However if there are no bugles readily available they have been known to use other brass instruments and/or signal fires. Terrorists do not use trombones to communicate. They are “unclean.” If you see a terrorist with a trombone he’s probably not a real terrorist, unless of course he is. It is widely accepted that terrorists are some of the best practical jokers in the world.
FREEDOM
Most terrorist dictionaries will not even list the word. If you say freedom to a terrorist he will likely pivot in a somewhat cartoonish way and walk in the other direction. If he’s a well mannered terrorist he might go so far as to smile and nod, but in the end these kinds of terrorists are only humoring you. For a terrorist, having to listen to us talk about freedom is similar to you or I being forced to listen to Victor J. Yannacone, Jr. talk about the resurgence of middle-class respectability. Besides all terrorists really like to talk about are hats. Other things they find pleasing to talk about are flatbread, oases (do they exist or don’t they?), and higher mathematics.
VACATION
Contrary to popular belief terrorists do like to get away from time to time. Typically they go fishing in the mountains with their sons, but they also enjoy relaxing on the beach with a good book. Terrorists read extensively. Their favorite books as of this writing are 1001 Arabian Nights, most desert themed non-fiction, and The Wapshot Chronicles. A terrorist will almost never read obscure Steinbeck novellas, but will do so grudgingly if nothing else is around.
WOMEN AND CATS
Some terrorists are women, but most are men. It is not clear as to whether or not animals can be terrorists, but we can almost certainly assume that cats would be the worst of the lot. Naturally, turtles would have to be watched as well. Politicians have concluded that dogs are the most patriotic animals we have. The second most patriotic animal we have is obviously the horse, especially Clydesdales.
DATING
Dating, for terrorists, is tricky for obvious reasons. It has also proven confusing to researchers because there are actually two ways in which a terrorist can “date.” One way, of course, is the traditional social, or romantic engagement one terrorist has with a terrorist of the opposite sex. The other way is the act of eating dates competitively. Most date eating contests are held at bazaars; occasionally you will see them at weddings. In fact, it is customary in some terrorist cultures for the groom to challenge his new father-in-law to a good natured “dating” once the ox has been cut, which is usually done with a ceremonial scimitar (most scimitars are made of rare rubies and high grade steel). To challenge the father-in-law to a “dating” before the ritual ox cutting is widely considered to be bad luck for the new couple.
FAVORITE COCKTAILS
Terrorists do not drink. This more than anything has doomed the peace process.
GOLFING
It is widely known that terrorists do not make good golfers. They anger easily and rarely show the ability to laugh at themselves in times of hardship. This makes them ideally suited for chess, or high stakes bowling. If you ever bowl with a terrorist you should thoroughly check his shoes for protruding wicks, or trace gunpowder. Terrorists are famously bad losers. If a terrorist asks you to compete in any sport you should suggest going to the movies instead. For the most part terrorists enjoy movies about kings who have lost their way, but they rarely enjoy romantic comedies where any of the secondary characters are gay.
HATRED
There is an old saying, which goes, “Show me a terrorist and I’ll show you a pretty fumed individual.” No one’s saying it’s a particularly good saying, but it does speak to the current general perception of terrorists.
SLEEP
Terrorists do not sleep well. You should never have breakfast with a terrorist and ask how he slept the night before as he may try to light your napkin on fire, or put a small bomb in your eggs. You might ask, “Why did you put a bomb in my eggs?” But terrorists do not respond well to direct questioning so early in the morning due again to their sleep habits being so poor. Why are their sleep habits so destitute? Some terrorists are plagued by recurring back problems, while others are plagued by nightmares involving classroom nudity, not to mention the one where your parents are getting on the last bus out of town before nuclear war breaks out and they don’t recognize you.
WAR
Terrorists almost always ride into the heat of battle on camelback. If they are low on camels, however, they will from time to time ride into the heat of battle in baby blue Buick LeSabres, which is a great deal more intimidating than it sounds.
CAPTIVITY
It is surprisingly easy to capture a terrorist. All you have to do is pretend you are a national landmark like, say, the Jefferson Memorial, or the Tetons. Hold still for awhile. When a terrorist attempts to sneak TNT in your ears, that’s when you yell, “Now!” At that point the state troopers you called ahead of time will pop out from behind the bushes or Buick LeSabres. If there are no bushes or Buick LeSabres, a ditch, or shallow arroyo will suffice.
CELEBRATION
The best way to celebrate capturing a terrorist is by going on as many talk shows as possible before the national memory is erased. The typical grace period is three days. When you look into the cameras it is best to look fearless and successful. Pretending you are George Washington, or John Henry is a good trick. Do not pretend you are changing into a werewolf, or that you are a small Chilean woman. For the most part people do not take werewolves, or small Chilean women very seriously, plus in most cases this sort of behavior will discourage them from ever asking you back on their program. Whatever happens try smiling occasionally. Wave hello to mom. Most of all have fun with it.

Quiz question:

Which of these is not true about terrorists

Some terrorists are women, but most are men

Some terrorists are women, but most are men

Terrorists are some of the best practical jokers in the world

Terrorists are some of the best practical jokers in the world

It is surprisingly easy to capture a terrorist

It is surprisingly easy to capture a terrorist

Terrorists are great golfers

Terrorists are great golfers

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Issue 4

published 

February 22, 2017

Terrorists Like to Wear Hats was written by Trevor J. Houser. He is a writer and copywriter in Seattle. He probably drinks Old Weller while listening to the autoplaying music on the homepage of his professional website.

i dont feel like fininishing this website right now and i am sorry

Can't have a full beard

or you'll seem too unruly

and independent.

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Issue 4

This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the Lit.cat archives.
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