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The Best Way to Relieve Election Stress

By 

Jenni E. Prada

I just figured out the best way to relieve some election stress and anxiety. As I know that a good many are experiencing the same, I thought I would share. Here are the step by step instructions:

>have a dog.

>dog escapes out the door past a dad and takes off towards the creek and the fields

>dog has a history of running far and killing chickens

>there is a house several kms down the road that now has chickens outside all day

>dog has run several kms for 12hrs at a time before

>no one tells you dog is out. you sit drinking coffee, reading the internet and trying not to stress about an election.

>you go downstairs to get something eat

>a mom says all casual 'oh dog got out.'

>you get a shot of adrenaline, run upstairs, throw on a t-shirt, pants and shoes, race downstairs, grab dog treats and run outside.

>a dad is there puttering in the shed.

>'where is dog?'

>'oh I don't know. she was down there a while ago.'

>get mad at dad.

>hurry down to the creek and call dog.

>finally see dog on other side of the creek next to the 500 acre corn field.

>see dog ignore you and trot down the side of corn, in the direction of the road which would eventually lead to chickens.

>decide that getting to the road and crossing the creek there to head down the side of corn towards dog is best course of action.

>wade through really long grass and burdock.

>curse at all the burdock sticky things that are wadding up all over your pants.

>get to road, cross the bridge to other side of the creek and walk down side of corn.

>ponder life for a while.

>look at shoes and see mud on them.

>curse yourself for not putting on old shoes.

>see dog!

>dog looks and thinks no way and trots into corn.

>follow dog.

>think ‘gosh, I haven't gone in corn like this since I was a kid. it’s kinda neat and oh my god it’s taller than me! oh wait, dog. focus on dog.’

>dog decides that corn is the wrong direction, turns and heads back to creek.

>follow.

>dog now in creek looking at you.

>hold out dog treat.

>watch dog slowly come to you and reluctantly take treat.

>grab dog collar.

>dog will be stubborn and doesn't move.

>start dragging dog.

>realize that dragging dog by the collar through creeks and heavy brush is difficult.

>curse yourself for not bringing a leash.

>think 'hey I can use my shirt and loop it through the collar'.

>think 'I have no bra on'.

>think 'I'm in the country, who the fuck cares'.

>have a not so bad, shirtless walk, with your dog, on a unseasonably warm and sunny fall day.

>realize that letting it all hang out feels pretty awesome. walk tall and proud.

>walk around the side of the house, pulling your dog with your shirt, covering your boobs with your hands because you know a dad might be there.

>have him see you and stare in shock, "what? why have you no shirt on!"

>there. stress all gone for now.

Quiz question:

Who did you get mad at?

A dog

A dog

A Mom

A Mom

A Dad

A Dad

A chicken

A chicken

Congratulations!
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Issue 7

published 

February 22, 2017

The Best Way to Relieve Election Stress was written by Jenni E. Prada.

i dont feel like fininishing this website right now and i am sorry

I read through your post

and I can imagine its

not the best feeling.

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Issue 7

This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the Lit.cat archives.
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