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The Best Way to Relieve Election Stress
I just figured out the best way to relieve some election stress and anxiety. As I know that a good many are experiencing the same, I thought I would share. Here are the step by step instructions:
have a dog.
dog escapes out the door past a dad and takes off towards the creek and the fields
dog has a history of running far and killing chickens
there is a house several kms down the road that now has chickens outside all day
dog has run several kms for 12hrs at a time before
no one tells you dog is out. you sit drinking coffee, reading the internet and trying not to stress about an election.
you go downstairs to get something eat
a mom says all casual 'oh dog got out.'
you get a shot of adrenaline, run upstairs, throw on a t-shirt, pants and shoes, race downstairs, grab dog treats and run outside.
a dad is there puttering in the shed.
'where is dog?'
'oh I don't know. she was down there a while ago.'
get mad at dad.
hurry down to the creek and call dog.
finally see dog on other side of the creek next to the 500 acre corn field.
see dog ignore you and trot down the side of corn, in the direction of the road which would eventually lead to chickens.
decide that getting to the road and crossing the creek there to head down the side of corn towards dog is best course of action.
wade through really long grass and burdock.
curse at all the burdock sticky things that are wadding up all over your pants.
get to road, cross the bridge to other side of the creek and walk down side of corn.
ponder life for a while.
look at shoes and see mud on them.
curse yourself for not putting on old shoes.
dog looks and thinks no way and trots into corn.
think ‘gosh, I haven't gone in corn like this since I was a kid. it’s kinda neat and oh my god it’s taller than me! oh wait, dog. focus on dog.’
dog decides that corn is the wrong direction, turns and heads back to creek.
dog now in creek looking at you.
hold out dog treat.
watch dog slowly come to you and reluctantly take treat.
grab dog collar.
dog will be stubborn and doesn't move.
start dragging dog.
realize that dragging dog by the collar through creeks and heavy brush is difficult.
curse yourself for not bringing a leash.
think 'hey I can use my shirt and loop it through the collar'.
think 'I have no bra on'.
think 'I'm in the country, who the fuck cares'.
have a not so bad, shirtless walk, with your dog, on a unseasonably warm and sunny fall day.
realize that letting it all hang out feels pretty awesome. walk tall and proud.
walk around the side of the house, pulling your dog with your shirt, covering your boobs with your hands because you know a dad might be there.
have him see you and stare in shock, "what? why have you no shirt on!"
there. stress all gone for now.
September 22, 2017
This writing was originally published in Opium Magazine, and is not listed in the Lit.cat archives.
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As a Lonely Old Man